I've been meaning to blog more than this, and I've got some drafts in the works that should be coming in the next week or so. But, to be honest, it's been rough. I'm still sick, Adam's been sick/dealing with a face infection, and it's all been a bit depressing.
As much as I would like to avoid these sorts of posts, the unsaid undercurrent of this blog is that it is supposed to help me feel better. Like therapy, almost. Whenever something scares or confuses me, I like to research it until I feel better. Regurgitating some of that research/starting a discussion with those of kind enough to read this helps me feel like I have some community support, and gives me strength & will to go on.
But sometimes, I just get fatigued. Often literally. I've tried so hard over the past few years. I've started to eat better, I've changed my lifestyle, I've detoxed my home and changed my hygiene & cosmetic products. But I'm still so frustrated with my own body. This summer especially, I've felt trapped in my own skin. Unable to do what I want or, in some cases, even what I'm expected to do on a regular basis because something is wrong with me.
Often, my friends & family are less than understanding when it comes to these struggles. I feel a lack of concern, or a face of concern with an undercurrent of anger/disbelief, like I'm making it up because I don't want to spend time with them or participate in their social events. I would love to be able to do all of those things. It felt good when I was able to do yoga, run three times a week, still get in my other exercise, and balance that with some occasional outings, but it turns out my body can't handle that.
Right now, I feel exhausted. What did I do today? I slept in, went downtown and did a bit of shopping, came home, then went & saw a movie. Not exactly physically taxing stuff. I just took my iron supplement with a dose of DayQuil because I'm still coughing, sniffling, running a fever, etc. (for the record, never make the mistake we made & buy the generic DayQuil. It tastes even worse)
These things aren't supposed to happen to people committed to living a healthy lifestyle, people who eat well & exercise regularly. I was trying all these measures as preventative care, and now I'm struggling to maintain any sort of life at all. It has been a victory for me every day I'm able to successfully get out of bed and drag my sorry ass into work. It is a struggle to get through each and every day on a physical level, and it's begun to wear me down mentally. I feel like I'm grasping at straws. But, life goes on, and I'm going to try & figure this out.