Everything that has happened has given me a feeling of lost youth. Not just the events of my twenties, but I'd like to blame them for the sudden realization that time is slipping by and I haven't been utilizing it in the way I'd like to. I feel like twenty-four and twenty-five year olds should not be dealing with emergency surgeries and endless doctor visits. I don't even have the energy to be cool anymore. I don't care. My conversations tend to have topics like 401(k)s and health insurance and the interest rate of a savings account, rather than arguments about indie music or books or whatever the kids are talking about these days. Suddenly I'm practically a 45-year old middle-class person, and I barely recognize myself.
I think I know why most people don't enjoy poignant works of art, or really anything that makes them think - popular culture is as dumbed-down and fluffed up as it is because most people just don't have the energy for anything else. When there's some spare time or you're trying to wind down from a long day, the last thing you want is to watch or read or listen to anything that is going to emotionally exhaust you even more - you want the artistic equivalent of cotton candy. Ridiculous reality shows or cheesy comedies or even a semi-dramatic movie with a happy ending gives an escape from the depressing reality of your actual life. Hell, that realization in itself is incredibly depressing.
I was really hoping to have a crazy night out sometime soon, but it seems I'm having a relapse. Last night I had a sore throat and my cough came back; I'm getting dizzy again. I doubt I'll even be able to stay up to watch SNL tonight, much less go out late, because I am old.